Time: Slippery Little Thing!

My life has been going in what seems like hyper speed lately. I came under this new philosophy my Junior year and still haven't decided if it was a good or bad one.
I came under the true realization that I only have two years at this place and wanted to make the most of it. I don't want to leave here regretting not trying something I wanted. So, in that I inhabited some new activities and now I am fearing that I may be overloaded. Is it worth it?
I think the overall thought behind it was a good one. However, like many things in life and the history of it, it perhaps wasn't followed through in the best manner.
I probably should have taken it one step at a time. The problem with this philosophy at the time was I was seeing my time here fading faster than a rainbow hours after a rain.
I think that this problem I have created for myself all comes down to a fear. I am afraid of leaving, therefore I feel as though I must create as many memories for myself as possible so I would never be able to run short.
What I have to realize is that sure I will leave this place, but the friends I made here won't go away with it. This place is stationary, but the people and the memories are far from it!

The Turtle in Me

This might sound utterly ridiculous but I swear there is a turtle-like quality about me.....

http://www.myvirtualpartyspace.com/images/scaredturtle.jpg

Let me explain.....

There are times and places in my life when I feel like I am truly being myself.....Outgoing, Energetic, Fun, Crazy

Then there are times when I feel like I'm hidden....like I have pulled myself into a shell and refuse to come out....I am then shy, quiet, and introverted....

It's odd because people seem to get two completely different views of me....... Some see the real me....Some only see the Turtle in me......

I believe in a way they both describe me and who I am, but I am just failing to find the power to control the two......I want to be......me....not a turtle.....I don't want to be locked away in a shell. I have worked so hard the last few years to rip away at the shell the society had created for me, and although I have accomplished much in that process, it is not completed yet. For the turtle inside me can still find pieces to crawl into and become hidden.......

Afraid to Fail

This is one of those days where I feel like the world is crashing in around me....and all I can really do is stand there, watch it fall, and try my hardest not to get smashed by one of the pieces.
I feel like the world is asking a lot from me, and even though I know this is a good thing, I am afraid the world is going to one day attempt to withdraw once more from my ATM of duties, only to find they have run it dry.
I think my problem is I am so afraid to fail...so afraid to fall....that I am actually holding myself back!
I just pray that I can be given the patience to deal with these emotions fighting inside of me and hope that soon....my fear of failing will subside!

The Real World's Knocking on My Door. Can I Act Like I'm Not Home?

So I just finished my sophomore year in college, and that means I am halfway through my college experience. Soon I will pushed out into the big bad world with nothing to help me but the degree in my hand in the bits of random knowledge in my head.

Even now, I am beginning to see my security blanklet slipping away, as I am handed more tasks to complete and more responsibilities to uphold.

Everyone says that these times, these college years are the best years of you life. They are right! The friends I have made in these last two years are friends that I intend to keep forever and I already have enough memories to last a lifetime. But what they fail to say is the pressure that lurks around the corner of these years. The real world is a scary thing, and is the only thing on a college student's mind, especially in the final two years.

Is my resume good enough?

Do I have enough experience?

Will I be able to answer all their questions?

Are we ready?

Time will only tell!

Do You Even Know Me!?

• Why do I suddenly feel like an outcast?
• Can you see through me?-----Have I become transparent?---I feel like many can not see me or hear me. I' m a real person too, with thought, cares and feelings! I know that I shouldn't care a whole what other people say or think about me because in the long run they are not what I'm am living for....but I would like to be noticed!
• What is it that is so wrong with me?----I feel like there are people in my life that treat and avoid me like the plague.

I just don't get people sometimes! I guess I am just one of those people who blend in. But I don't want to blend in!

I am a great person and I wanna stand out!!

I'm just not sure I know how!

Picture Perfect.....Ya not so much!

So I was at a dance this weekend, and thrilled to be around all my friends. Yet some of those very friends were the cause of my Winter Formal Fluster. We went out to the lobby to take pictures and all of a sudden I was handed 2 or 3 cameras and heard my so called FRIENDS say "oh Jen's taking the picture!"

What!!!!!!

I was the photographer!

I was going to be on the outside of the camera instead of inside the comfort of the picture!

I kept all of my feelings in until each of the cameras had gotten their shot. I then ran to my boyfriend's arms and let it all out.

I couldn't believe they would do that to me.

I guess this was one of the many moments in life that you question the quality of some your friends. I came to the conclusion that I wasn't as close to them as I originally thought and hoped. It stinks that the conclusion had to punch me in the face.

*Picture found at http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/MCG/S1058~Camera-Posters.jpg

Sick as a Dog!....Actually, I think the Dog is in Better Shape!

http://lifeas.nickstarr.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/sick.gif

Head pounding

Body aching

Movements slowed

Skin pale

Temperature raised

Worried to fall behind

Yet worried to stick it out.

I think the best thing to do

Is to close my eyes and rest.

Impressing Only One!

Are there times in your life that you feel like you don't fit in to "the LOOK" that society has laid out for this world?

• One must be so thin
• One must wear a certain thing
• One must act a certain way.

Why do we have to "fit in"?

There are days in my life that I feel like the Ugly Duckling,


http://www.callaway.com/images/TheUglyDucklingCover.jpg


a character that has been portrayed to children for years upon years. He is the classic example of a creature that feels left out of life simply because he is rejected by his peers.


There are also more modern day interpretations of this classic tale.

For example:

There was a show on television that describes a rather "geeky" girl who was trying to survive in the cutthroat fashion world. This show was titled "Ugly Betty",
http://www.popkulturjunkie.de/pix/BetUgly.jpg

and although I didn't particularly care for the show, I did enjoy the overall concept. I think that the outside of a person judges too abruptly on the looks of people.
Now there are the obvious sayings that could be used as fuel to what I am arguing such as: Don't judge a book by its cover and so on and so on.
But I think that the only way to handle the fact that our world today tends to judge the way we look before they get to truly know us and who we are, is to figure out why such a thing is possibly done.

• These people could feel uncomfortable about themselves and therefore push the ridicule on an easy target.
• They could be so wrapped up in society that they forget that human beings are built with feelings.

Now I am not saying that fashion itself is evil, I am simply saying that there is, perhaps, too much emphasis on it. I think that you should wear what you want. Clothes allow a person to begin to express who they are. However, if you take one bite of a cake, do you now know all the ingredients.
So basically, in all this rambling I am trying to say that being "Cool" ,being "Normal" ,being "Stylish" is overrated. There is one person in this life that we should strive to impress, and that person could care less whether we are wearing $300 jeans or rags that were handed down from our brother. That person is God.
I'm going to leave you with one more thing. There is a chorus popular christian song that says,
"I'm not cool. That's okay. My God loves me anyway. I'm not cool. That's alright. I'm still precious in his sight."

My weekly game of musical chairs

http://handshapedchairs.com/chairs-u.jpg

It happens every Tuesday:

I leave lecture and go right to work so my boss can go to lunch.

While I do this all of my friends go and eat their food.

When it is finally time for me to go fill my stomach,I am left with no one to sit with.

Now I know that this shouldn't bother me, but it does!

Not quite sure why. I just feel like I am being judged and evaluated by all of those in the lunchroom.

I guess this is just a sign that my confidence in myself, although better than it once was, is still not up to what it could be.

Or it could simply mean that I am not one of those people that can sit alone at lunch.

The Class is Over, Will the Blog Remain?

I hope that you have all enjoyed wandering over to this blog and reading and replying on my random thoughts and emotions. I really appreciate the opinions I have received on the various subjects that I have chosen to babble on about.
You might be asking yourself "Why is she thanking us for reading?" Well as many of you know, the class, which encouraged the start of this blog, is coming to an end. That leads me to the following choices:

• Go on with the blog just the way it is
• Take the Blog in a whole new direction
• Destroy the Blog and walk away

There is not anything that would make me attempt to preform the task required in number 3. I have put too much effort in this blog to just simply destroy it.

I don't think I like number 2 either. I like my blog just the way it is .

So to answer the question addressed above I reply, I am not saying goodbye to my blog. However, I am very aware that some of you are leaving the blogging world behind and so that is reason for my goodbye note!

Good bye,

And Thanks For Everything!

Trying to brush it off....But the disappointment follows me!

Why does this world have to be filled with disappointment?

Why is it that you can tell yourself that it's OK and it doesn't
matter, but somehow you get crushed anyway?

Why does there always have to be someone out there that is better than you?

I guess, the only true way to go about answering that question is that without competition; there would be no fun in the world.

And If there were 2 winners then that would defeat the purpose. There has to be a loser.

And yes, it is true, there are people in this world that are better than you. The point of life is to use that to better yourself. and keep in mind, someone is out there, saying that very thing, referring to you!

Got a Case of the Nerves!

As you all probably know, I am going to portraying a role in one of the shows playing this weekend. This morning I woke up, stared at the ceiling for a moment and then suddenly realized that it was Thursday, which meant it was opening night!! My heart started beating faster than I thought it ever could and seemed as if it was rattling my entire body! After that initial feeling began to wear off, a feeling of extreme excitement ran over me.

I can't say that I am use to feeling like this. This is my first role here at school and my first real role EVER!!!! A part of me is terrified that I will find some way to mess it up. However, the other part of me is confident that I know my character enough to know what I'm doing.

I hope the second part's right!

Opening that door

I'm sure I am not the only one in this world who has felt the throbbing pain that is left when there is a hole in your life where a person once was. I think it is the natural reaction to push that emotion and pain back. Yet there are times in life when it is triggered. It might be a word, phrase, or saying, or maybe a movie or song. It doesn't even matter what is the source of the triggering. The point is once those gates are open and our emotions flood out of our bodies like in the days of Noah, it is so hard to have them recollected and pushed back again.
Why can't we simply keep that door in our soul shut?Why must it be opened every now and again? Why must we feel that over and over again? Why can't we just nail that room shut and never visit again?
I think we have to except the fact that, as humans, we seem to have the inability to totally forget someone that meant something to you. Ask yourself this: Even though it hurts to reflect on those old thoughts, would you rather live life as though they do not exist.
By reliving these memories you are bringing them back in your life and acknowledging the fact that they did mean something to you. I believe that, in a way humans cease to die because they will also dwell in the minds and hearts of the ones that were closest to them.

If you wanna be my friend!

Last night, I came to the realization that one of my really close friends wasn't quite as close to me as I would have hoped and thought!
It got me thinking about the qualifications of a good friends. This is sort of a Do's and Don't's list, which I believe is known by mostly everyone!

* Always have your friend's back- never let someone hurt of damage them without a fight!
* Always tell them if something about them is bothering you!- by avoiding confrontation, you are only creating more tension.
* Never date an Ex of a friend shortly after the break-up
* Always treat your friend's significant others and friends with respect, even if you dislike them.
* Allow yourself to cool down before approaching your friend about an issue- you don't want to be in a state when you will blow up, yet you also don't want to wait too long.
* Always do what's best for your friend!

My Reality Check

Last night I had a scary revelation, which I guess I had already known, it just was not very clear until that moment:
The World is full of Pressure!!!!
And what got me to finally expect this fact was my panic attack in Walmart yesterday!..... I needed some items so I made the trip with my roomie. As I was shopping, I decided it would be a smart thing to check my checking balance. That's what triggered the attack! I had only $9 in my account!!!!!.....I was floored! I had been keeping a close eye on my account! How did this happen!? Luckily,my boyfriend had paid me the phone bill earlier that day so I had cash on me. But for some reason, I was really dizzy and couldn't really walk. It was really scary. For the first time I felt how short my life could actually be! I also realized that by constantly reacting to the pressure life throws at me, I am only making that time shorter.

Why so shy?

Everyone has that one thing they would change about themselves. For me it would have to be my confidence around others.
I don't like that it takes me so long to open up to someone. Last year someone even held that fact against me. She said "You've been around us for almost 6 months now and you still won't talk!"
I can't explain it. And I can't really change it. I guess we all have a quality about us that is so embedded in our system that no matter how hard we try, we cannot remove it.

Why?

Have you ever had some one who you know hates every inch of you?
You don't understand it , and yet you hate them back for their original hatred.
Now let me ask you this:

Say tomorrow that person was gone. Would you still be upset for their leaving? Would you still mourn for them?
It's a weird thing. I don't quite understand it. But out of nowhere something will bring tears to my eyes. He was no friend of mine! He didn't even like me! Why am I crying for him? Is it because he hurt my family? Because he caused them pain by how he left?

As I have mentioned before, I believe in the saying "Everything happens for a reason". And in that I think I might know the reason for him in my life. He came to make me a stronger person. His constant yelling and putting me down showed me that I can't please everyone, no matter how hard I try. This summer I learned to stand up for myself and not allow myself to get stepped on. I also learned what war can really do to a person and how destructive it is, even after the last gunshot.

As for the tears, the only thing I can think about that is, although it may have not been positive all the time, he was in my life for months, and I do miss him being around. And I hate the fact that he thought to leave like that. I don't wish that on anyone. I also think I just hurt to think of how my family and loved ones were hurt and are still hurting.

Sorry this blog was so down, just needed to get these thoughts out of mind for awhile.

One of the world's many evils!

It's about to boil over me.

I feel like a time bomb or a pot after you've added too much macaroni.

What's got me like this, you ask?

Well I'll tell you what it is.........IT'S STRESS!!!!!!

Why do we let this power take over us and effect our lives?

At the same time it is safe to say that our lives would probably be dull without it!

I always tell myself.....

Next year you'll be organize and there will be no stress.....

The next year I'm sitting in the middle of a nervous breakdown wondering where my plan went.

So in that, I have come to a conclusion.......

* Stress is unavoidable!

* It may pop up at anytime!

* And It will tear you apart!

Ha Ha! Very Funny....Wait What?

OK, I just got back from the comedian that came to campus, and I'm rather offended and ashamed of what comedy has come to these days. It seemed like the more raw or uncensored the joke was, the more people laughed. Does a joke have to involve sexual material for it to get a laugh? When he tried to feed the audience jokes that didn't involve these subjects, the laugh was not as strong. I don't understand this

Pigeon Forge is a small town in Tennessee that is a common vacation spot for my family. It is a tourist attracting town full of dinner theaters, and small clubs and shows. In the mix of attractions is a place called the Comedy BarnIt is a hilarious program that takes pride in the fact that the entire show is comprised of CLEAN comedy. Something the whole family can watch.
So although it is possible to get a laugh without compromising your morals, unclean comedy is becoming to popular for my liking and it only shows the state our country is really in.

Time traveling....Without a machine

Have you ever connected a song or movie to a moment in yourpast? Then when you encounter that item later, your mind flies back to that time and that feeling?It's common in my life. For instance just minutes before writing this post, I heard
"We Danced Anyway" by Deana Carter and was transported back eleven years to girl scouts. We were having an International Dinner . Each troop was a different country and had to make the food of that country. And for some reason that song was playing at one point during the meal. Loving the song, I got up and danced.

Hearing that song today, and becoming teleported back to that place confused me because that wasn't exactly a momumental moment in my history. It was just another day. Why does that song remind me of that point in my life?

On the other side of the spectrum, I can understand connecting songs or movies to BIG moments in life such as, your wedding song and so on. I remember my high school open house when I hear the songs played there. I think of my long lost childhood friend when I watch a film that was repeated constantly when we were together.

I guess, no matter the importance of the moment, songs and movies can help us connect to a time. And although I can't seem to find the reason for my remembering now, I'm sure there will be a day when I will.