Afraid to Fail

This is one of those days where I feel like the world is crashing in around me....and all I can really do is stand there, watch it fall, and try my hardest not to get smashed by one of the pieces.
I feel like the world is asking a lot from me, and even though I know this is a good thing, I am afraid the world is going to one day attempt to withdraw once more from my ATM of duties, only to find they have run it dry.
I think my problem is I am so afraid to fail...so afraid to fall....that I am actually holding myself back!
I just pray that I can be given the patience to deal with these emotions fighting inside of me and hope that soon....my fear of failing will subside!

The Real World's Knocking on My Door. Can I Act Like I'm Not Home?

So I just finished my sophomore year in college, and that means I am halfway through my college experience. Soon I will pushed out into the big bad world with nothing to help me but the degree in my hand in the bits of random knowledge in my head.

Even now, I am beginning to see my security blanklet slipping away, as I am handed more tasks to complete and more responsibilities to uphold.

Everyone says that these times, these college years are the best years of you life. They are right! The friends I have made in these last two years are friends that I intend to keep forever and I already have enough memories to last a lifetime. But what they fail to say is the pressure that lurks around the corner of these years. The real world is a scary thing, and is the only thing on a college student's mind, especially in the final two years.

Is my resume good enough?

Do I have enough experience?

Will I be able to answer all their questions?

Are we ready?

Time will only tell!

Do You Even Know Me!?

• Why do I suddenly feel like an outcast?
• Can you see through me?-----Have I become transparent?---I feel like many can not see me or hear me. I' m a real person too, with thought, cares and feelings! I know that I shouldn't care a whole what other people say or think about me because in the long run they are not what I'm am living for....but I would like to be noticed!
• What is it that is so wrong with me?----I feel like there are people in my life that treat and avoid me like the plague.

I just don't get people sometimes! I guess I am just one of those people who blend in. But I don't want to blend in!

I am a great person and I wanna stand out!!

I'm just not sure I know how!

Opening that door

I'm sure I am not the only one in this world who has felt the throbbing pain that is left when there is a hole in your life where a person once was. I think it is the natural reaction to push that emotion and pain back. Yet there are times in life when it is triggered. It might be a word, phrase, or saying, or maybe a movie or song. It doesn't even matter what is the source of the triggering. The point is once those gates are open and our emotions flood out of our bodies like in the days of Noah, it is so hard to have them recollected and pushed back again.
Why can't we simply keep that door in our soul shut?Why must it be opened every now and again? Why must we feel that over and over again? Why can't we just nail that room shut and never visit again?
I think we have to except the fact that, as humans, we seem to have the inability to totally forget someone that meant something to you. Ask yourself this: Even though it hurts to reflect on those old thoughts, would you rather live life as though they do not exist.
By reliving these memories you are bringing them back in your life and acknowledging the fact that they did mean something to you. I believe that, in a way humans cease to die because they will also dwell in the minds and hearts of the ones that were closest to them.

My Halloweeny mental block!

This blog is generally focused on the spilling of my thoughts on to the screen. But this time, I need your help! I'm taking my sister around trick-or-treating for Halloween and I have no idea what to dress up as!

In the past, I have taken on the roles of Wednesday Adams and a lady in a masquerade ball. However, for some reason, this year my ideas have come up short. I would appreciate any thoughts you could share on the issue. Although, you have to keep in my that all costume must be family appropriate. I am grateful to all the help I can get!

Why?

Have you ever had some one who you know hates every inch of you?
You don't understand it , and yet you hate them back for their original hatred.
Now let me ask you this:

Say tomorrow that person was gone. Would you still be upset for their leaving? Would you still mourn for them?
It's a weird thing. I don't quite understand it. But out of nowhere something will bring tears to my eyes. He was no friend of mine! He didn't even like me! Why am I crying for him? Is it because he hurt my family? Because he caused them pain by how he left?

As I have mentioned before, I believe in the saying "Everything happens for a reason". And in that I think I might know the reason for him in my life. He came to make me a stronger person. His constant yelling and putting me down showed me that I can't please everyone, no matter how hard I try. This summer I learned to stand up for myself and not allow myself to get stepped on. I also learned what war can really do to a person and how destructive it is, even after the last gunshot.

As for the tears, the only thing I can think about that is, although it may have not been positive all the time, he was in my life for months, and I do miss him being around. And I hate the fact that he thought to leave like that. I don't wish that on anyone. I also think I just hurt to think of how my family and loved ones were hurt and are still hurting.

Sorry this blog was so down, just needed to get these thoughts out of mind for awhile.

Ha Ha! Very Funny....Wait What?

OK, I just got back from the comedian that came to campus, and I'm rather offended and ashamed of what comedy has come to these days. It seemed like the more raw or uncensored the joke was, the more people laughed. Does a joke have to involve sexual material for it to get a laugh? When he tried to feed the audience jokes that didn't involve these subjects, the laugh was not as strong. I don't understand this

Pigeon Forge is a small town in Tennessee that is a common vacation spot for my family. It is a tourist attracting town full of dinner theaters, and small clubs and shows. In the mix of attractions is a place called the Comedy BarnIt is a hilarious program that takes pride in the fact that the entire show is comprised of CLEAN comedy. Something the whole family can watch.
So although it is possible to get a laugh without compromising your morals, unclean comedy is becoming to popular for my liking and it only shows the state our country is really in.

Dreams

Now a days there are tons of books that interpret our dreams and their meanings. But what if we are over analyzing them. What if our dreams just simply serve as a warning or a display of the unknown. The other night, I had a dream of someone I was trying to forget. He had hurt my family just the week before and I wanted him erased from my memory. Yet there he was smack dab in the middle of my night's sleep. I wondered why this had occurred. Why was he there? Why had my self conscience picked him out of all of the people in my life? The next day I found all the answers ( or at least the questions concerning the dream). The someone from my dream left my life in a devastating way. Was the dream a way to warn me of what was to occur? To further understand it I borrowed my roommate's dream book. It states that if you are dreaming of someone whom you would not anticipate, it indicates the need to have greater understanding of the way you relate to men. Now this sounds crazy! You mean to tell me I dreamt of him because I need to understand men?!. I believe this dream was given to me to resemble the importance of this man. I think it was there to help me realize the importance in knowing him. So I'm going to take this moment to get a little religious on you. I would like to thank God for bringing him into my life and for giving me that dream to realize the greatness in knowing him.