Time: Slippery Little Thing!

My life has been going in what seems like hyper speed lately. I came under this new philosophy my Junior year and still haven't decided if it was a good or bad one.
I came under the true realization that I only have two years at this place and wanted to make the most of it. I don't want to leave here regretting not trying something I wanted. So, in that I inhabited some new activities and now I am fearing that I may be overloaded. Is it worth it?
I think the overall thought behind it was a good one. However, like many things in life and the history of it, it perhaps wasn't followed through in the best manner.
I probably should have taken it one step at a time. The problem with this philosophy at the time was I was seeing my time here fading faster than a rainbow hours after a rain.
I think that this problem I have created for myself all comes down to a fear. I am afraid of leaving, therefore I feel as though I must create as many memories for myself as possible so I would never be able to run short.
What I have to realize is that sure I will leave this place, but the friends I made here won't go away with it. This place is stationary, but the people and the memories are far from it!

Afraid to Fail

This is one of those days where I feel like the world is crashing in around me....and all I can really do is stand there, watch it fall, and try my hardest not to get smashed by one of the pieces.
I feel like the world is asking a lot from me, and even though I know this is a good thing, I am afraid the world is going to one day attempt to withdraw once more from my ATM of duties, only to find they have run it dry.
I think my problem is I am so afraid to fail...so afraid to fall....that I am actually holding myself back!
I just pray that I can be given the patience to deal with these emotions fighting inside of me and hope that soon....my fear of failing will subside!

Happy Birthday Jami!!!!

Today is my little sister's 11th birthday.

I can remember when she was born.....Oh! that was a crazy day!

The day she was born. I was 9 years old and in the 3rd grade. We were in inside recess (it was too cold outside) when a voice came over the announcements saying " Will you please send Jennifer to the office, her dad is here to pick her up." I sat there confused for a moment and then I realized what was going on. "My mom's having a baby!!!" I yelled to others as I left the school.

My brother, who was 6 at that time, and I were waiting very impatiently at the hospital for hours, until finally we were sent home with our grandparents to wait for the news. At about 6, the phone rang and the first question that came to me was "Well, it is a boy or a girl?" My grandma smiled and said, "It's a girl!" I was thrilled! I began skipping around the house yelling "I have a baby sister!!" My brother, devastated by the idea of not having a little brother, laid his head down and began to cry.

Over the years, I think my brother has become used to having a little sister as have I
I hope she has a great Birthday!
I LOVE YOU JAMI!!!!!!

Do You Even Know Me!?

• Why do I suddenly feel like an outcast?
• Can you see through me?-----Have I become transparent?---I feel like many can not see me or hear me. I' m a real person too, with thought, cares and feelings! I know that I shouldn't care a whole what other people say or think about me because in the long run they are not what I'm am living for....but I would like to be noticed!
• What is it that is so wrong with me?----I feel like there are people in my life that treat and avoid me like the plague.

I just don't get people sometimes! I guess I am just one of those people who blend in. But I don't want to blend in!

I am a great person and I wanna stand out!!

I'm just not sure I know how!

Picture Perfect.....Ya not so much!

So I was at a dance this weekend, and thrilled to be around all my friends. Yet some of those very friends were the cause of my Winter Formal Fluster. We went out to the lobby to take pictures and all of a sudden I was handed 2 or 3 cameras and heard my so called FRIENDS say "oh Jen's taking the picture!"

What!!!!!!

I was the photographer!

I was going to be on the outside of the camera instead of inside the comfort of the picture!

I kept all of my feelings in until each of the cameras had gotten their shot. I then ran to my boyfriend's arms and let it all out.

I couldn't believe they would do that to me.

I guess this was one of the many moments in life that you question the quality of some your friends. I came to the conclusion that I wasn't as close to them as I originally thought and hoped. It stinks that the conclusion had to punch me in the face.

*Picture found at http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/MCG/S1058~Camera-Posters.jpg

Impressing Only One!

Are there times in your life that you feel like you don't fit in to "the LOOK" that society has laid out for this world?

• One must be so thin
• One must wear a certain thing
• One must act a certain way.

Why do we have to "fit in"?

There are days in my life that I feel like the Ugly Duckling,


http://www.callaway.com/images/TheUglyDucklingCover.jpg


a character that has been portrayed to children for years upon years. He is the classic example of a creature that feels left out of life simply because he is rejected by his peers.


There are also more modern day interpretations of this classic tale.

For example:

There was a show on television that describes a rather "geeky" girl who was trying to survive in the cutthroat fashion world. This show was titled "Ugly Betty",
http://www.popkulturjunkie.de/pix/BetUgly.jpg

and although I didn't particularly care for the show, I did enjoy the overall concept. I think that the outside of a person judges too abruptly on the looks of people.
Now there are the obvious sayings that could be used as fuel to what I am arguing such as: Don't judge a book by its cover and so on and so on.
But I think that the only way to handle the fact that our world today tends to judge the way we look before they get to truly know us and who we are, is to figure out why such a thing is possibly done.

• These people could feel uncomfortable about themselves and therefore push the ridicule on an easy target.
• They could be so wrapped up in society that they forget that human beings are built with feelings.

Now I am not saying that fashion itself is evil, I am simply saying that there is, perhaps, too much emphasis on it. I think that you should wear what you want. Clothes allow a person to begin to express who they are. However, if you take one bite of a cake, do you now know all the ingredients.
So basically, in all this rambling I am trying to say that being "Cool" ,being "Normal" ,being "Stylish" is overrated. There is one person in this life that we should strive to impress, and that person could care less whether we are wearing $300 jeans or rags that were handed down from our brother. That person is God.
I'm going to leave you with one more thing. There is a chorus popular christian song that says,
"I'm not cool. That's okay. My God loves me anyway. I'm not cool. That's alright. I'm still precious in his sight."

My weekly game of musical chairs

http://handshapedchairs.com/chairs-u.jpg

It happens every Tuesday:

I leave lecture and go right to work so my boss can go to lunch.

While I do this all of my friends go and eat their food.

When it is finally time for me to go fill my stomach,I am left with no one to sit with.

Now I know that this shouldn't bother me, but it does!

Not quite sure why. I just feel like I am being judged and evaluated by all of those in the lunchroom.

I guess this is just a sign that my confidence in myself, although better than it once was, is still not up to what it could be.

Or it could simply mean that I am not one of those people that can sit alone at lunch.

Opening that door

I'm sure I am not the only one in this world who has felt the throbbing pain that is left when there is a hole in your life where a person once was. I think it is the natural reaction to push that emotion and pain back. Yet there are times in life when it is triggered. It might be a word, phrase, or saying, or maybe a movie or song. It doesn't even matter what is the source of the triggering. The point is once those gates are open and our emotions flood out of our bodies like in the days of Noah, it is so hard to have them recollected and pushed back again.
Why can't we simply keep that door in our soul shut?Why must it be opened every now and again? Why must we feel that over and over again? Why can't we just nail that room shut and never visit again?
I think we have to except the fact that, as humans, we seem to have the inability to totally forget someone that meant something to you. Ask yourself this: Even though it hurts to reflect on those old thoughts, would you rather live life as though they do not exist.
By reliving these memories you are bringing them back in your life and acknowledging the fact that they did mean something to you. I believe that, in a way humans cease to die because they will also dwell in the minds and hearts of the ones that were closest to them.

Halloween update!

In an earlier blog, I expressed my costume choosing mental block! I thought it would be only proper to tell you the outcome and the costume I ended up with.

Pippi Longstocking!!!!

I came to this choice because I absolutely adored this character as a kid. She was so funny and perky even though she was a little orphan girl. The costume wasn't really that difficult to conjure up.

The wig:

I originally bought a black wig. I then sprayed it with temporary red hair paint. The, with the help of my boyfriend stuck coat hangers in each side to make it stay up.

The rest of it:

For the completion of the outfit, I simple wore overall shorts, a gray T-shirt, mismatching long knee socks and white tennis shoes.

My Reality Check

Last night I had a scary revelation, which I guess I had already known, it just was not very clear until that moment:
The World is full of Pressure!!!!
And what got me to finally expect this fact was my panic attack in Walmart yesterday!..... I needed some items so I made the trip with my roomie. As I was shopping, I decided it would be a smart thing to check my checking balance. That's what triggered the attack! I had only $9 in my account!!!!!.....I was floored! I had been keeping a close eye on my account! How did this happen!? Luckily,my boyfriend had paid me the phone bill earlier that day so I had cash on me. But for some reason, I was really dizzy and couldn't really walk. It was really scary. For the first time I felt how short my life could actually be! I also realized that by constantly reacting to the pressure life throws at me, I am only making that time shorter.

Why so shy?

Everyone has that one thing they would change about themselves. For me it would have to be my confidence around others.
I don't like that it takes me so long to open up to someone. Last year someone even held that fact against me. She said "You've been around us for almost 6 months now and you still won't talk!"
I can't explain it. And I can't really change it. I guess we all have a quality about us that is so embedded in our system that no matter how hard we try, we cannot remove it.

Why?

Have you ever had some one who you know hates every inch of you?
You don't understand it , and yet you hate them back for their original hatred.
Now let me ask you this:

Say tomorrow that person was gone. Would you still be upset for their leaving? Would you still mourn for them?
It's a weird thing. I don't quite understand it. But out of nowhere something will bring tears to my eyes. He was no friend of mine! He didn't even like me! Why am I crying for him? Is it because he hurt my family? Because he caused them pain by how he left?

As I have mentioned before, I believe in the saying "Everything happens for a reason". And in that I think I might know the reason for him in my life. He came to make me a stronger person. His constant yelling and putting me down showed me that I can't please everyone, no matter how hard I try. This summer I learned to stand up for myself and not allow myself to get stepped on. I also learned what war can really do to a person and how destructive it is, even after the last gunshot.

As for the tears, the only thing I can think about that is, although it may have not been positive all the time, he was in my life for months, and I do miss him being around. And I hate the fact that he thought to leave like that. I don't wish that on anyone. I also think I just hurt to think of how my family and loved ones were hurt and are still hurting.

Sorry this blog was so down, just needed to get these thoughts out of mind for awhile.

One of the world's many evils!

It's about to boil over me.

I feel like a time bomb or a pot after you've added too much macaroni.

What's got me like this, you ask?

Well I'll tell you what it is.........IT'S STRESS!!!!!!

Why do we let this power take over us and effect our lives?

At the same time it is safe to say that our lives would probably be dull without it!

I always tell myself.....

Next year you'll be organize and there will be no stress.....

The next year I'm sitting in the middle of a nervous breakdown wondering where my plan went.

So in that, I have come to a conclusion.......

* Stress is unavoidable!

* It may pop up at anytime!

* And It will tear you apart!

Something must be done about procrastination.....I'll do it tomorrow

I will just go ahead and admit it now.....I am a procrastinator. I realized how bad I really was today. I completed a 4 page core paper 2 hours before it was due. I had 2 weeks to do it and and waited until the last possible moment. The sad thing is, I know I am not the only one who commits the crime of procrastination.

Why are we so likely to push back things until they can be pushed back no longer?

Are we just lazy as a society?

Is there anything we can do to improve the amount of procrastination that exists or will that itself become pushed back into the Things To Do pile?

Time traveling....Without a machine

Have you ever connected a song or movie to a moment in yourpast? Then when you encounter that item later, your mind flies back to that time and that feeling?It's common in my life. For instance just minutes before writing this post, I heard
"We Danced Anyway" by Deana Carter and was transported back eleven years to girl scouts. We were having an International Dinner . Each troop was a different country and had to make the food of that country. And for some reason that song was playing at one point during the meal. Loving the song, I got up and danced.

Hearing that song today, and becoming teleported back to that place confused me because that wasn't exactly a momumental moment in my history. It was just another day. Why does that song remind me of that point in my life?

On the other side of the spectrum, I can understand connecting songs or movies to BIG moments in life such as, your wedding song and so on. I remember my high school open house when I hear the songs played there. I think of my long lost childhood friend when I watch a film that was repeated constantly when we were together.

I guess, no matter the importance of the moment, songs and movies can help us connect to a time. And although I can't seem to find the reason for my remembering now, I'm sure there will be a day when I will.

Who am I?

If you've been reading this blog, you have had a chance to dive into my thoughts and respond on issues that have been bogging me down. But the question now is:
Do you know ME?
I understand that you are not going to know my life story just by reading some posts on the net. So I believe it is time to dwell in the craziness that is my life.

• I am 20 years old ( although people seem to think the oldest I could be is 16, which is so frustrating)
• I am the oldest of three children, I have a brother who is 16 and a sister who is 10.
• My parents are my heroes. My mom works her butt off just to put food on the table. She gets pushed down by life and manages to pick herself up and push on.She pushes her life aside for the needs of her children.Thanks for everything Mom! My dad is pushing through something life has thrown down at him years ago, something that plagues many people in this world. Through this struggle he has gained an extreme faith and has helped me in my own walk with God. And Thank You Dad!
• I am a relatively quiet person, however can be loud and crazy if the time calls for it!
• I have been told that I am not a very girly girl. However that assumption was shot down in a sense when I received 2nd runner up in my county's beauty pageant. I proved that I could be that kind of girl.
• I am a very family oriented person, so much so that I drive home every weekend just to have the slightest bit of time with the ones I love.
• I've been with the same guy for 3 years and each day I'm with him feels like the first date
• I've been running since I was twelve . It's the only sport I've ever felt accomplished in.


• I'm the kind of person who will get along with anyone who doesn't give me a reason to doubt their values
• My career goal in life is to become the English teacher all students love. I want to be "that goofy teacher". The one that is so off the wall and yet makes sense at the same time.

Well that's me in a nutshell. I hope this information will help you in understand the motive behind some of my ideas and feelings.